If any of you lacks wisdom [to guide him through a decision or circumstance], he is to ask of [our benevolent] God, who gives to everyone generously and without rebuke or blame, and it will be given to him. But he must ask [for wisdom] in faith, without doubting [God’s willingness to help], for the one who doubts is like a billowing surge of the sea that is blown about and tossed by the wind. For such a person ought not to think or expect that he will receive anything [at all] from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable and restless in all his ways [in everything he thinks, feels, or decides].
JAMES 1:5-8 AMPAMP
I haven’t written for a while because, to be honest, I stuck a pin in taking care of me. This blog was meant to be a space to write out my thoughts; some in private, some in public. I stopped for a bit because
1. I avoided it. Some bad, hurtful, depressing and harmful things have happened in my life recently. I have felt too ashamed and afraid to deal with it for a while.
2. I let life get busy and forgot that I – my body, my mind, my soul – are all tools required to be kept in condition for existence and living.
So today , with nothing pressing to do, I am reflecting on my life’s direction, what I am lacking and what I need to do to get up and live in purpose again. That was the point of this blog: to live the life God has imagined for me, to access it, accept it and live it. For i truly believe if I live with God directing my mind, my heart my soul all of my imaginings will be filled with the things He wants of me and I will be content with being dictated by a loving, righteous God.
So what has been happening?
– Domestic violence found its way into my home. I was hurt and lost for a time. It has happened previously but this time I could not stay silent. The pain was too raw, the fear was paralyzing everything I did and the marks could no be hidden.
I reached out and got help. Thank God that this time I listened to His Spirit and reached out to the right people. They rallied in ways I have never experienced before and got us all through. I love him and forgive him. I am giving him time to work it out and myself time to build my strength. The anger is not completely gone but the fear is and for me that was so important.
My marriage would not grow if fear was at its root for that is the opposite of love. Forgiveness, keeping no record of wrong are also elements of love. If I did not give love then my husband would have no space to walk in remorse and renewal. He would have no space in which to acknowledge his wrong and work on his own demons so he could forgive himself and become the man God has created him to be.
The boundaries regarding violence however are no longer blurred. They are clearer now than ever. And our marriage is now watchman-ned by likeminded people who love us and want us to work. Thanks be to God that in His family we can find comfort, hope and help with love. There was no shame, no condemnation. Just love.
– Death has hit the homes of my friends. My friend’s father was lost to cancer then her fiancee passed suddenly a few months later leaving her with their son and a cancelled wedding. My mentor who taught me how to love myself – APB who I wrote of previously – also passed and left me with regrets and it took some time for the guilt to recede. My dear friend’s brother was brutally murdered and I could not be there physically for her because we live in different islands. My heart was strained with each death. To see them suffer, people I love dearly, who I consider family, sisters, a mother. I trusted Him through it all but had to escape into numbness to cope for a time.
– My role in my home has changed as my littlest love was sent out to Daycare full time. She was home with me since Birth and I finally got to enjoy seeing one of my kids grow up and experience first-hand all the milestones. It beat being at work and getting videos and pictures and crying in frustration at an employer’s desk. It was such an amazing and blessed year.
It brought up however, so many questions as to my place in my marriage, my home and I have not answered them as yet. My thinking and perceptions have been so shaped by what I was told and I never once questioned them. Now I am and it is bringing me into conflict with persons in my life.
The big bad D word in my life. Another reason for this blog and the demon I face in the mirror everyday. I am proud to say that these mountains were faced with great clarity and overcoming.
The tools I developed in Counselling got me through the most recent and final incidence of DV my home will ever experience. I did not cower, I remembered who I was in God, claimed it, protected it and found victory because of it.
I did not allow my personal grief and regrets to overcome me. I learnt from them and resolved to do better because of them. I keep in better contact with my friends near and far because of them.
I also did not internalize the grief of my friends like I would in the past. I learnt to pray for them. I remembered the joy of being on my knees, standing in the gap for them.
The depression is there but does not dictate my passions and motives like before. I am getting this demon’s claws out of my back bit by bit, everyday that I choose life and living over despair.
And I am returning to my Bible for direction. For answers. For clarity. I miss my younger days of purpose and with life constantly evolving I want to stay in line with God ‘s plan for me as an individual, as part of a family, as a mother, a wife, an employee (hopefully soon as I have attended some job interviews – happy dance), as a business owner, and also hopefully soon a member of a Church and the body of Christ.
I resolve to have a vision, to create my goals and then pursue my action plan to achieve them all.
Some soundtracks to get me though!
TobyMac – I need you
Casting Crowns – Only Jesus
Tauren Wells – Hills and Valleys
Jaron Nurse – Fed up – a local Trinbagonian gospel artist
Blessed Messenger – Move Mountains, PHYAH, Tun up! – another local treasure and a taste of Trini gospel soca
Nathanael Fisherman – For better or worse – island vibes!