Right now…sigh

Some days it just feels like I am asking permission to be happy.

I’m trying to find a reason to stay in a situation that seems to have a not so joyful future. Staying is what I have to do because a commitment was made. But is there a point when you say I cannot do this? I cannot live everyday looking for joy. Or rather I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to have to put aside my feelings about my marriage and my husband just to find joy in my day. I don’t want to have to block him and the little things out. I don’t want to wait for him to catch up, to make an effort to make a change. I hate the relief I get from leaving the same room of him to escape the heaviness and unspoken words.

There isn’t anymore violence between us, there isn’t any fighting. Just the knowledge that this is what it is because a vow was made. It doesn’t feel like love anymore. Just a duty to the ‘right thing’.

I guess I have been avoiding a relationship with God because He seems to ask the hard and impossible. Bluntly, it feels like the woman is always being asked to be strong, to have patience to wait until the good work is completed in her partner. They get Oblivion, we get constant heartache and forced forgiveness. We get to shoulder to burden of letting go and constantly repairing our brokeness. They get to live in ignorance.

I’m not saying I’m the only one hurting in this relationship. But it feels like I am the only one being broken down. Constantly losing. Unable to make a life. While he gets to move forward, do things. I only have sacrifice and a longing for my own life.

I’m not sure anymore that I can live in joy.

NB: I have been struggling with my medication. While I have been forgetful of taking them on some days due to the busyness of three kids home from school and daycare, today I actually choose not to take them to just get a minute deep inside my head and feel something. Going to pop my pills now sigh.

Realty versus TRUTH

Some days I need the reminder that no matter how unappreciated or unloved I feel that God is with me, loving me, teaching me and inspiring me towards a better life everyday.

Depression plays mind games with my thoughts and emotions; mind games which bring me to the end of my patience and belief in myself and my abilities. The negative thoughts and emotions influence my actions and words oftentimes before I am able to snatch myself back from a hurtful remark or behaviour.

It is very uncomfortable living with a person with depression.

It is also difficult and soul shattering to be the person who has to see the destruction their mind fog has caused.

That’s why I am grateful everyday to the friends who send me an encouraging word on a daily or weekly basis. Yes, it requires emptying my WhatsApp folder a lot more times than I would like to. However, some days, like today, I get a TRUTH that hits back at reality to add to my arsenal of TRUTH. It might be a scripture or a quote that reminds me that I am more than my disease, my actions and my words. That reminds me I am forgiven. A scripture I can use to fight the words the enemy has put on my mind; an ecouragement to raise the fog and live in TRUTH.

This is how I fight:

I am reminded that I am forgiven. I then remember the importance of turning away from my old ways, developing new habits that help me to not hurt myself or others. I remember that every day I should go to the Word of God to renew and improve my arsenal of TRUTH.

For my reality is a mess.

If I relied on my realtity to tell me the kind of person I am and could be I would take that trip to LaLaLand in no time at all.

However I trust in the TRUTH of God’s Word to get me past everyday. I live in a spirit of humility (some) days and give time for those around me to forgive me. But I remember every single day that I am defined by my heart, which only God can see.

So while to everyone around me I am an ungrateful, nit picking, short tempered biatch, to Him I am a forgiven, struggling, full of power and potential woman of God fighting for her existence while doing His will

Another season, another purpose, another day

Some days, the things you need to hear are the things you least want to listen to.

But for the sake of your sanity the words are needed.

Today, against my own dark desires which prefer to stay wrapped in despair and hopelessness, I was confronted by my GP about the stage of my depression I’m which o currently live.

While my recent distractions have enabled me to, what I consider, tread water, it seems that I am more akin to the swimmer dropped into the deep ocean spending more time fighting the crashing coming up for air every once in a while.

I thought I knew the signs of my darkest depths, but it seems they could get darker than I thought and could masquerade themselves as “holding on”.

I’m so grateful that my Doc stepped on and is helping me in ways I did not know she was capable, for I have never really discussed my mental disease with her. She always trusted that I took care of it. However finances have made this difficult and seeing my symptoms she refused to let me continue in despair.

I have a plan for the next six weeks at least to get up and get out. To overcome. Small, achievable goals which don’t stretch me beyond what I able of. Yet, they still challenge me to find purpose again in life and live. They find me that life is about seasons and I have to find the purpose of this new season and live in it with joy.

So today I am just so grateful someone saw me falling into the rabbit hole and is encouraging me to go beyond surviving and to live again.

Distraction and depression

While depression is a difficult mental illness to live with I can sometimes ease it by throwing myself into projects.

One such project was my daughter’s birthday party. Little madam decided on her theme and colours and I just ran with it as best as my crafting abilities allowed.

For those who share this disease, distraction isn’t always a bad thing if a positive ending can be found; in this case creating an environment for lasting memories.

I handmade decoration (Pinterest people), created a storyline to incorporate all the games, made my kid’s mermaid outfit, no sew tutus for the girls and capes for the ‘dolphin princes’ as the boys were dubbed. I sent sea creatures two days in advance for the kids to decorate during their craft time and incorporated them in the decor which they loved.

My depression was heavy during this period as two of my friends had experienced devastating loses and I did not intend on doing anything. But I pushed myself through the fog to do this for my Little Love.

And now that that ridiculous mermaid hangs on her wall 😂 I have a daily reminder of what a good day that I fought for can look like and it gives me hope and reminds me that I am stronger than I feel. I can overcome. Every day of life is a victory.

Be blessed!

By the riverside

I am here reluctantly
knowing that this is the only place I can be free.
Knowing that the stone in my chest
is a counterstone to my future.

Knowing does not make this easier
makes the bile raise higher

Yet I come,
Knowing this is my salvation
this is my step into perseverance
a built character and
a stronger hope.

I lay down my bitterness and unforgiveness
at every unkind word,
at every thoughtless and tackless action
I lay down my disappointment and resentment
at every need unmet, at every unfinished task,
at every broken dream.

I lay down every regretted action of love,
every selfish thought of what could have been with more.

I lay down every fear I have harboured keeping me from love.

I lay down my brokenness and I cry out that my trust and hope is you my God.

When you don’t move my mountains
When you don’t part my waters
When I do not get the answers I ask for

I still trust in you.

Every step I have taken,
every decision made,
has been my own

And I own this.
I did it by your direction
And I believe in your promise to never leave me
I believe that you stay at my side to lead me through every valley.

So I take a moment by the riverside to cleanse,
to remove every burden I have accumulated in this journey.

So I can begin my journey uphill to hope again,

Ready for the joy everlasting at the mountain top.

Ready and filled with renewed hope for the soon coming valleys.

Inspiration

*every agonising tear I shed today in my despair
*every whispered truth God used to wash away my hopelessness.
* Hope Cycle – Elevation Church https://youtu.be/gJ3JSATgCOI
*Matthew West – Broken https://youtu.be/WdUu6ZsdVfM
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 5:3-4

Direction

If any of you lacks wisdom [to guide him through a decision or circumstance], he is to ask of [our benevolent] God, who gives to everyone generously and without rebuke or blame, and it will be given to him. But he must ask [for wisdom] in faith, without doubting [God’s willingness to help], for the one who doubts is like a billowing surge of the sea that is blown about and tossed by the wind. For such a person ought not to think or expect that he will receive anything [at all] from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable and restless in all his ways [in everything he thinks, feels, or decides].

JAMES 1:5‭-‬8 AMPAMP

I haven’t written for a while because, to be honest, I stuck a pin in taking care of me. This blog was meant to be a space to write out my thoughts; some in private, some in public. I stopped for a bit because

1. I avoided it. Some bad, hurtful, depressing and harmful things have happened in my life recently. I have felt too ashamed and afraid to deal with it for a while.

2. I let life get busy and forgot that I – my body, my mind, my soul – are all tools required to be kept in condition for existence and living.

So today , with nothing pressing to do, I am reflecting on my life’s direction, what I am lacking and what I need to do to get up and live in purpose again. That was the point of this blog: to live the life God has imagined for me, to access it, accept it and live it. For i truly believe if I live with God directing my mind, my heart my soul all of my imaginings will be filled with the things He wants of me and I will be content with being dictated by a loving, righteous God.

So what has been happening?

– Domestic violence found its way into my home. I was hurt and lost for a time. It has happened previously but this time I could not stay silent. The pain was too raw, the fear was paralyzing everything I did and the marks could no be hidden.

I reached out and got help. Thank God that this time I listened to His Spirit and reached out to the right people. They rallied in ways I have never experienced before and got us all through. I love him and forgive him. I am giving him time to work it out and myself time to build my strength. The anger is not completely gone but the fear is and for me that was so important.

My marriage would not grow if fear was at its root for that is the opposite of love. Forgiveness, keeping no record of wrong are also elements of love. If I did not give love then my husband would have no space to walk in remorse and renewal. He would have no space in which to acknowledge his wrong and work on his own demons so he could forgive himself and become the man God has created him to be.

The boundaries regarding violence however are no longer blurred. They are clearer now than ever. And our marriage is now watchman-ned by likeminded people who love us and want us to work. Thanks be to God that in His family we can find comfort, hope and help with love. There was no shame, no condemnation. Just love.

– Death has hit the homes of my friends. My friend’s father was lost to cancer then her fiancee passed suddenly a few months later leaving her with their son and a cancelled wedding. My mentor who taught me how to love myself – APB who I wrote of previously – also passed and left me with regrets and it took some time for the guilt to recede. My dear friend’s brother was brutally murdered and I could not be there physically for her because we live in different islands. My heart was strained with each death. To see them suffer, people I love dearly, who I consider family, sisters, a mother. I trusted Him through it all but had to escape into numbness to cope for a time.

– My role in my home has changed as my littlest love was sent out to Daycare full time. She was home with me since Birth and I finally got to enjoy seeing one of my kids grow up and experience first-hand all the milestones. It beat being at work and getting videos and pictures and crying in frustration at an employer’s desk. It was such an amazing and blessed year.

It brought up however, so many questions as to my place in my marriage, my home and I have not answered them as yet. My thinking and perceptions have been so shaped by what I was told and I never once questioned them. Now I am and it is bringing me into conflict with persons in my life.

My Depression

The big bad D word in my life. Another reason for this blog and the demon I face in the mirror everyday. I am proud to say that these mountains were faced with great clarity and overcoming.

The tools I developed in Counselling got me through the most recent and final incidence of DV my home will ever experience. I did not cower, I remembered who I was in God, claimed it, protected it and found victory because of it.

I did not allow my personal grief and regrets to overcome me. I learnt from them and resolved to do better because of them. I keep in better contact with my friends near and far because of them.

I also did not internalize the grief of my friends like I would in the past. I learnt to pray for them. I remembered the joy of being on my knees, standing in the gap for them.

The depression is there but does not dictate my passions and motives like before. I am getting this demon’s claws out of my back bit by bit, everyday that I choose life and living over despair.

And I am returning to my Bible for direction. For answers. For clarity. I miss my younger days of purpose and with life constantly evolving I want to stay in line with God ‘s plan for me as an individual, as part of a family, as a mother, a wife, an employee (hopefully soon as I have attended some job interviews – happy dance), as a business owner, and also hopefully soon a member of a Church and the body of Christ.

I resolve to have a vision, to create my goals and then pursue my action plan to achieve them all.

Some soundtracks to get me though!

TobyMac – I need you

https://youtu.be/4wNpOeakhEM

Casting Crowns – Only Jesus

https://youtu.be/_eQd3K2Fxp4

Tauren Wells – Hills and Valleys

https://youtu.be/p4rRCjrAyCs

Jaron Nurse – Fed up – a local Trinbagonian gospel artist

https://youtu.be/3icy3J6LH9g

Blessed Messenger – Move Mountains, PHYAH, Tun up! – another local treasure and a taste of Trini gospel soca

https://youtu.be/QDbMuFe3gI8

https://youtu.be/z7XSlWVa6CQ

https://youtu.be/9q4TBPgNvdg

Nathanael Fisherman – For better or worse – island vibes!

https://youtu.be/xqwkEPbAUq0